Haven't heard from you, but I know how exhausting it is to have a newborn at home, so no worries. I'm just wondering how things are going with the financing of our film, in particular the funds for my plastic surgery. Obviously we want to get that out of the way early, so I have time to recover fully. Wouldn't do to have Billy Sive running around with unexplained stitches now, would it. But all of that is just nuts and bolts stuff (boy, I sure hope they don't use nuts and bolts in plastic surgery anymore. We'll end up having to shoot Frankenstein instead, ha ha! Though I think the relationship between Frankenstein and his monster is just screaming with homoeroticism; plus I would be much more believable as the monster, we're remembering my whole 'twenty years too old for the role' thing with the Front Runner, right? Just checking). No, what I really wanted to talk to you about was how BRILLIANT it was for you to make that statement in Details magazine about how you and "Angie" would consider tying the knot only when everyone who wants to do so is free to in the country.
I don't have to tell you how the gay press, blogs, bars, gyms and tea-rooms just exploded with joy at that statement, do I? You didn't even have to say the word 'gay' for everyone to get it. Really incredible. This, combined with the constant feeding frenzy the tabloids are having about your love life is doing wonders to generate interest in our upcoming feature. Seriously, I don't think a week goes by that I don't see another headline about you going back to Jennifer, or moving to Sri Lanka with Angie and the kids, or how you're getting a new tattoo just like Angie etc. Seriously, this is some primo publicity action. Do you guys plant those tabloid rumors when things get slow, or is it all self-sustaining now? Neither would surprise me, but either way, you're a genius. Here you are being regularly linked in the press with two of the most gorgeous, sexy women in Hollywood, and you even make living in sin with one of them into a moral stance in support of my people! I doff my hat to you sir. I only hope I can be half as creative in my efforts at creating buzz. I know, maybe once we start filming, you and I can hit a few gay bars together, so I can tell the world that I'm 'showing you the scene' as research. Then maybe you, Angie, and I can hit the town, maybe a Lesbian bar or two, and get photographed dancing in suggestive combinations. Or maybe you, Angie, Jen and I can all double date! Is she still seeing Vince? I've lost track. Well, he can come too. Actually that's a great idea... maybe you, Vince and I could all be seen out doing stuff together, sort of like McConnaughy, Armstrong and Gyllenhal; you know, something that will have us always in bathing suits or biker shorts (this will have to be post surgery in my case, ha ha). I can't tell you how much attention the gay rags gave those guys just for going out on their bikes. This could be gold, pure gold.
Okay, I'm just brainstorming here, don't let me keep you. But I do need to know what is up with the plastic surgery, as soon as you can tell me. If it could happen before the holidays, that would be good, plus my sister is getting married in November, but hey, do what you can and we'll make it work.
Smooches to Angie (or whichever) and the kids.