Friend Marta is visiting for a few days, and taking some time for a writer's retreat. Having a playmate, right here in the apartment, to talk to on such topics as spirituality, grace, books, writing, sex, bodies, home, family, place and community (which for me, and I suspect Marta, are really all the same thing) is such a joy.
Having her working here so contentedly also reminds me that this apartment is not without its pleasant qualities, particularly on sunny winter days.
I love this part of a process, where the ideas are or no longer just in my head, but not yet completed. Basically it's the most expansive part of the journey for me, when the raw materials start to excite me for their own sakes, whether that be text, images, music, shiny things, or big sheets of cloth in gorgeous colors. Even as I know not everything will be usable, even as I know the fantasy images in my head will never be fully realized, I revel in this stage, what I call the 'splashing about'. This morning, right on schedule the fears, insecurities and despair showed up, telling me all the way things could, even would go wrong. I know this is just part of the process, but I also recognize that these voices haven't always been wrong. That's why they still get my ear. Fortunately I'm able, at least today, to listen to the ones that sound a useful warning (ie. they tell me to make changes I can still make), and ignore the vague, confidence-eroding ones that just aim to make me feel bad. Marta, food, and throwing pretty cloth around have helped with these.
I'll be the first to admit I'm not always good at completing things, or developing them after the first enthusiastic push. I'm not forgetting that issue (it's also why this here post isn't very long, since I really should get back to work). But today I'm enjoying this moment, the making, problem-solving, and dreaming moment. Good friends, good work, time to enjoy them both (let's forget for the moment how whiney and resentful I've been of the time I spent just earning money: stupid money), I'm very blessed. Good to be able to see it, while it's happening.