Sunday, July 27, 2008

Sympathetic Magic

How can one stay melancholy, how can one take oneself too seriously... when one has orange hair?

Seriously. How?

I haven't done this in years, but it still works.

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I think the entry directly below this one is sounding more sad to people than I meant it to. As I've told many of you directly, I'm sifting through things, and finding there is still a lot of beauty in all this, a lot I am still grateful for.

The day after my fears were confirmed, my Dad happened to be in town, so I was able to break the news to him in person over breakfast. He was his usual splendid self. I mentioned Jo's statement to him; "you have given me something which fed the very source of my soul, but I stole it from you." (At this point I was not yet aware she had said the same thing to all of us, via Father Tony.)

"Well," he said, "maybe she got it under false pretenses, but she didn't steal it. Thee gave it willingly; more importantly, she didn't kill it at the source. Thee still has it to give."

That beautifully articulated what I had been grappling with all the previous night. I am not lessened by this, unless I choose to be.

I know many others feel robbed, terribly damaged by this whole experience. I'm not dismissing or discounting anyone else's experience in all this. I'm sorry for the hurt they sustained. I just don't think that's how I'm seeing it for myself. I don't like how this turned out. It wasn't what I wanted. But I still feel like the love I gave was accepted with gratitude. Had I given money, I would now have less of it. But love, however misled, however based in fantasy (mine and Jo's)... I don't know. I just don't think I've lost anything but some pride. And that gets in my way too much as it is.

8 comments:

Jess said...

I can't say I feel terribly damaged myself, and if you can keep finding good things from it, then I think I can be okay with it. Not that I think what happened was right, but you're the one I really was worried about, so if you're fine, I guess I'm fine. *hug*

You know, you're really a special soul. You really are!

Greg said...

You're a wise man indeed, Mr. Lacey.

And what a great photo!

Greg said...

Oh, and BTW, not just for that hair color alone, you seem to have won some sort of award-thingy. Stop on over to the Garden for the details.

Butch said...

Well said, and your father summed it up very well, didn't he...

Nothing is taken unless you decide it is. We are our own "free agent" and we make the decisions on how we are going to respond or deal with what happens next. I think you have approached this with the grace very few could have summoned.

somewhere joe said...

I wish somebody would call me Thee once in a while. Especially when they're showing me the gracious order of the universe, hidden in plain sight.

Gorgeous ginger locks... but I don't know. There is one way you can prove to us that you're really a redhead...

tornwordo said...

I don't really get the thee thing, is that irish for you or something? He's right on though and I think your attitude is perfect.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Hey wait a minute mister, what is wrong with orange hair! It can be serious, we are gonna to have to throw down! ;p

Your Dad is very thoughtful and deep.

Oh! I think I just caught on to what Joe meant! Joe, thee are very naughty!!!

*Hugs* Patrick

Paul said...

Joe - As much as Patrick hangs out naked in front of artists, I'd suspect that the color of the carpet wouldn't be hard to verify.

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