Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Dear Brad V

Dear Brad,

Happy New Year! I hope you, Angie and the kids all had a restful time. I know it’s hard for you lot to slow down and take it easy, but what else are the holidays for? Even super-heroes like you guys (ha ha!) need downtime, right? Take a break, kick back, go with the kids to the beach! I guess your days on the nude beaches are over, aren’t they!

Congratulations on that Jesse James movie, and Oceans, what was it now? 18? I think I’m forgetting another movie too. My, you have been a busy little beaver, haven’t you! What else is new, right? Ha ha! I haven’t seen any of them yet, but you know I’ll love them! :)

So I just wanted to say hi, find out how everyone was at your end, and just check in on our upcoming project. I have a confession to make, Brad; after my letter of 2/9/06 I felt like you were excited about the spirit of my proposal, even if later you decided to take it a different direction. That was totally cool, that’s what collaboration is all about, right? Ever since 9/9/06 though, there’s been silence on your end. I know I know, you’ve been building houses in New Orleans, and saving the Third World with Angie, not to mention all those movies, I totally get it, so I wasn’t really worried... but you know how it is, when you fall in love with a project, having it go on hold for months, or even years, it can be hard.  I’ll admit it, Brad, I was beginning to lose faith.  In my weaker moments I wondered if maybe you had lost your zeal for a gay project.

Then I saw the article in Entertainment Weekly last month, examining how, contrary to predictions, Brokeback Mountain did not usher in a new age of popular Hollywood gay romances. Then I got it; man are you good! Just give it a little time, and suddenly our movie will be ‘the first one’ all over again! It’s worked before, after all. Brokeback was the ‘first’ just a few years after Tom Hanks rode Philadelphia to the Oscars, smooching Antonio Banderas along the way, the lucky bastard. A case could even be made that Longtime Companion broke the young indy actors taking a chance on a gay film mold too, but here came Heath and Jake, doing it (ha ha) for the ‘first time’.  I couldn’t tell you how Companion did at the box office, though. Sure there weren’t any Oscars, but Campbell Scott and Dermot Mulroney never looked back, right?

Okay, so we’re sitting tight until the hubbub dies down, and the country is lulled back into a state of homophobic complacency.  Cool.  I just have one teensy little question regarding that. You see this coming, I know, I know, I keep harping on it, but if you still have your heart set on The Front Runner, then my plastic surgery needs are just going to get more urgent. Remember, we’re already having to cut my age in half, if we wait until I’m 52, boy howdy, is that surgeon gonna need some serious skills, right?! :) Of course who knows what breakthroughs they’ll make in the field in the next ten years...

Oh, maybe you’re waiting to do it all at once right before we start shooting! That makes sense. I mean, why go to all the trouble now of making me look 22 if we’re going to have to do it all again in another ten years, ha ha. Right? That way the doc only has to stretch my face out once, thus improving the chances that I maintain sensation, muscle control, and some semblance of a human appearance (Have you seen Joan Rivers lately? Or Barry Manilow?!?). Believe me, I want to feel you kissing me during all our sex scenes, Big Boy, ha ha! :P

Okay, I’m feeling a lot better, thanks; you always manage to calm me down. Must be that laid-back Missouri charm of yours. I bet that’s another reason why everyone wants to work with you. Of course that fine ass doesn’t hurt either. Sssh! Don’t tell Angie! :O Remember our deal, ha ha! And try not to be a stranger! Let’s not go this long without a check-in again!



PS. Dang, I almost forgot, did you see all the press in the gay media about the ring on your right ring finger? The ‘mos were all a twitter wondering if that meant you and Angie were ‘gay married’, in keeping with your promise not to wed until everyone could. Maybe you just thought you were putting on some jewelry that morning, but it just goes to show how impeccable your instincts are! Every move you make gets turned into gold. Brilliant! I’ll never be able to compete with the master, but I’ll sure have a good time trying, right?! :)



somewhere joe said...

Patrick while waiting for Brad, or popular culture, to come around why don't we run through a few practice scenes... I have a camcorder.

Cooper said...

If I put on a t-shirt with the word BRAD across the front, can I come over to play?

Patrick said...

Man, you guys are princes, PRINCES, I tell you. To be willing to help me out like this, it just warms the cockles of my heart. Yup, my cockles are nice and toasty. And no need to a Brad T-shirt, Cooper, you and Joe are even better. I'm probably going to need a LOT of practice, it's been a while, so this is really nice of you guys. Okay, so let's see I've got the running shorts and shoes, the restraints, the stripey socks for later if we want, anything I'm forgetting? Let me know. I can't thank you both enough for this, how will I ever make it up to you? Let me know if I can do anything for you.

Jess said...

They are nice, aren't they? I'd offer, too, but my hubby would throttle me! ;)

Gillian @ Indigo Blue said...

Joe you cheeky bugger~!
Patrick, just popping in to thank you so much for wishing me a Happy Birthday! Thanks for the visit lovey. I won't kick your ass now. ;D
As for the Brad Pitt stalking thing...or sorry, uh...film partnership thing...have you actually heard from him? Best of luck there!

Patrick said...

Jess: why does your hubby hate art? That's what this is all about, after all. Well, and my career, of course, but my career in ART. Maybe if you bring him along you can both help.

Gillian: you're most welcome, and I would have wished you a happy birthday in any case. Getting you not to kick my ass is just gravy. And stalking Brad? What? Have I heard from him? Well, not in letters exactly. Nor in phone calls, and he's rarely by a computer so he's never been much for email. No, we just have an understanding. As far as I know, he's the only big star who, after Brokeback Mountain came out, told his management to find him a 'gay project.' So I'm just lending a hand. I know he appreciates it.

Gillian @ Indigo Blue said...

Ahhh, I see.
I started liking Brad after Troy.
For his acting skills, of course. ;D