Thursday, April 27, 2006

Quick Follow-Up

Dear Brad,
So I haven’t heard back from you regarding my thoughts about collaborating dated February 9th; I know you’ve been really busy, with the UN goodwill ambassadorship, the baby on the way and getting the Tibetan prayer tattoo on your back for little Maddox, but not to worry, my sources have been staying abreast of the developments. I hear you’re considering doing The Frontrunner, a decision I whole-heartedly support. I loved the book when I read it, though I’ll admit that was some time ago. I’m assuming you’re planning on playing the ex-Marine and -hustler turned College track coach Harlen Brown. Your hotness will be well utilized in that role, especially if you’ve kept the physique you developed for Troy. Seriously, you looked like you’d been built from a kit, I had straight guys telling me your Achilles was giving them some sleepless nights.
I assume this means you’re not planning on taking my advice of making a story about a love affair between an Adonis and a normal shmoe, since the only character I can see playing would be Billy Sive. Wow, you’re giving me quite a challenge with this one, aren’t you. A college track star described as "handsome despite his mop of Hippie hair and his granny glasses." Where to start? The hair is the least of my concerns, hell if I just refrain from cutting it while you get the financing in order, by the time we’re ready to start shooting, I won’t need hair extensions. Think of how much that will save us right there on make-up (or is that wardrobe?). The granny glasses, okay, that’s tougher, I think even someone as gorgeous as yourself would find them a bit of an obstacle to overcome, but I’m ready to give it a whirl. But college-age track star? Well now. I am on the scrawny side, so we’ve got that going for us, and in fact I ran cross country in school, so I’m familiar with the subtleties required to portray a person running like hell, but Billy Sive is what, twenty years old? Twenty-two at the most? People tell me I look young for my age, but here we’re talking half my age. Then there’s the whole ‘handsome’ thing. Okay, like I said, I’m not Quasimodo, but a handsome twenty year old? I think that may be beyond even my abilities, especially if we’re going to make the sex scenes between you and me as explicit as I think the story requires. So, I think there’s really only one answer.
Plastic surgery. And lots of it.
I’ll probably need a face-lift to start with, I could use some serious dermabrasion to help with the acne scars, and while we’re in the neighborhood, why don’t I get a chin too? I’ve always wanted one, so this could be a great opportunity, and I’m sure we could write it off as a business expense. It's for the good of the project.
In terms of my body, I suppose I could just start training hard now so as to be in tip-top shape for the first day of shooting. Thank god he wasn’t a football player, right? I do have this incipient spare tire however that we might as well get rid of while I’m under the knife for all the other stuff. I don’t think it really adds much to the bill, and losing it will certainly jump-start my journey to looking like a Olympic gold medal winning, barely out of his teens, long distance runner. I suppose we can use a body double for some of the shots, such as the ninety million times we have to see Billy running around a track at practice and whatnot, but we’ll have to use me in the love scenes if we want to maintain the integrity of the film. Even if the rumors about your questionable hygiene are true, that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. That’s just how much this story means to me.
So those are my thoughts; can’t wait to get to work. I’ll check into surgeons and fees here in New York, but feel free to give me any names if you have someone you like (not that YOU needed any surgery, but maybe Jennifer did at some point). If he’s in LA then I’ll need accommodations of course, but it needn’t be fancy; I’ll be perfectly content to stay with you, Angelina and the kids. That way we won’t have to waste a moment getting right to work exploring our characters’ relationship. My process is really best served by using a lot of improvisation. With enough pain killers, we can start the minute I come out of anaesthesia.
So just let me know when you’ve secured the funding for my surgeries. And don’t be a stranger! Call me day or night.


Anonymous said...

You are so fuckin' funny!

Unknown said...

You're linking! You're Linking!!

Anonymous said...

I think I can help you with the granny glasses. Are rhinestone hornrims cool for this piece?

Patrick said...

They might work. Will they make me look twenty years younger? And FABULOUS? Or will they mostly make me look like Elton John, circa 1975? That look, not so much.