Dear Brad,
Happy New Year! I hope you, Angie and the kids all had a restful time. I know it’s hard for you lot to slow down and take it easy, but what else are the holidays for? Even super-heroes like you guys (ha ha!) need downtime, right? Take a break, kick back, go with the kids to the beach! I guess your days on the nude beaches are over, aren’t they!
Congratulations on that Jesse James movie, and Oceans, what was it now? 18? I think I’m forgetting another movie too. My, you have been a busy little beaver, haven’t you! What else is new, right? Ha ha! I haven’t seen any of them yet, but you know I’ll love them! :)
So I just wanted to say hi, find out how everyone was at your end, and just check in on our upcoming project. I have a confession to make, Brad; after my letter of 2/9/06 I felt like you were excited about the spirit of my proposal, even if later you decided to take it a different direction. That was totally cool, that’s what collaboration is all about, right? Ever since 9/9/06 though, there’s been silence on your end. I know I know, you’ve been building houses in New Orleans, and saving the Third World with Angie, not to mention all those movies, I totally get it, so I wasn’t really worried... but you know how it is, when you fall in love with a project, having it go on hold for months, or even years, it can be hard. I’ll admit it, Brad, I was beginning to lose faith. In my weaker moments I wondered if maybe you had lost your zeal for a gay project.
Then I saw the article in Entertainment Weekly last month, examining how, contrary to predictions, Brokeback Mountain did not usher in a new age of popular Hollywood gay romances. Then I got it; man are you good! Just give it a little time, and suddenly our movie will be ‘the first one’ all over again! It’s worked before, after all. Brokeback was the ‘first’ just a few years after Tom Hanks rode Philadelphia to the Oscars, smooching Antonio Banderas along the way, the lucky bastard. A case could even be made that Longtime Companion broke the young indy actors taking a chance on a gay film mold too, but here came Heath and Jake, doing it (ha ha) for the ‘first time’. I couldn’t tell you how Companion did at the box office, though. Sure there weren’t any Oscars, but Campbell Scott and Dermot Mulroney never looked back, right?
Okay, so we’re sitting tight until the hubbub dies down, and the country is lulled back into a state of homophobic complacency. Cool. I just have one teensy little question regarding that. You see this coming, I know, I know, I keep harping on it, but if you still have your heart set on The Front Runner, then my plastic surgery needs are just going to get more urgent. Remember, we’re already having to cut my age in half, if we wait until I’m 52, boy howdy, is that surgeon gonna need some serious skills, right?! :) Of course who knows what breakthroughs they’ll make in the field in the next ten years...
Oh, maybe you’re waiting to do it all at once right before we start shooting! That makes sense. I mean, why go to all the trouble now of making me look 22 if we’re going to have to do it all again in another ten years, ha ha. Right? That way the doc only has to stretch my face out once, thus improving the chances that I maintain sensation, muscle control, and some semblance of a human appearance (Have you seen Joan Rivers lately? Or Barry Manilow?!?). Believe me, I want to feel you kissing me during all our sex scenes, Big Boy, ha ha! :P
Okay, I’m feeling a lot better, thanks; you always manage to calm me down. Must be that laid-back Missouri charm of yours. I bet that’s another reason why everyone wants to work with you. Of course that fine ass doesn’t hurt either. Sssh! Don’t tell Angie! :O Remember our deal, ha ha! And try not to be a stranger! Let’s not go this long without a check-in again!
Kisses,
Patrick
PS. Dang, I almost forgot, did you see all the press in the gay media about the ring on your right ring finger? The ‘mos were all a twitter wondering if that meant you and Angie were ‘gay married’, in keeping with your promise not to wed until everyone could. Maybe you just thought you were putting on some jewelry that morning, but it just goes to show how impeccable your instincts are! Every move you make gets turned into gold. Brilliant! I’ll never be able to compete with the master, but I’ll sure have a good time trying, right?! :)
xxxPAL
Showing posts with label Brad Pitt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Brad Pitt. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Some Clarification Needed.
Dear Brad,
So, haven't heard from you in a while, I was just wondering if we were going to start shooting this Summer. I have a dance show going up in late July, and a friend's wedding in Seattle on August 5th, so the sooner I know what our plans are, the better. But no pressure. Well, maybe just a teensy bit of pressure since every day we put off filming, is another day further I get from being able to play twenty-two. Just to remind you.
Okay, I'll admit it, my real reason for writing is to ask you about some news I read on other blogs today. Word is that you're working on a new film, and have decided you want a stunt butt for this one. Sorry, butt double, I mean body double, (specifically in the buttal region) I'm still learning the lingo. I just have to ask, what the hell is up with that? We didn't get to see it in all its glory in Troy, but what we saw, well, it was magnificent, everyone said so. Pretty much the best damn thing about the movie, frankly. There are probably other films that gave us a glimpse, Thelma & Louise for example, I can't really recall now. My point is, you've got a fine ass, or at least you used to, so I'm wondering what is going on here. Are you feeling like you want to be more judicious with its unveiling, saving it for the really special projects? Are you feeling a tad insecure about your age? Boy can I relate; which reminds me, any word on my plastic surgery? Just checking. Have you decided that it's undignified for an artist of your stature to be dropping trou?
Some in the blogosphere has speculated that this indicates a new possessiveness on Angie's part. Is that true? Have you been making her question the veracity of some of those "Brad wants Jenn Back" tabloid articles we've been seeing? If so, boy howdy Brad, be careful, man. I don't want to picture the possible repercussions of an angry Angie. My blood run cold at the thought. You do not want her gunning for you.
Maybe it's just that Angie said she doesn't care for you disrobing on film anymore, and you knew better than to challenge that. I respect that. But do you think she might give you a special dispensation for our project? Assuming we're still doing The Front Runner and not some period piece involving head-to-toe black Edwardian garb and lots of ruffles, then I really think we're gonna need to see that fine ass. For the good of the project. She's an artist, a damn fine one in fact, maybe if you explain it to her like that she'd understand. I really don't know the full story with this film you're presently working on, but please try to explain to her that hiring a stunt butt for our project will seriously compromise the integrity. Seriously. That scene on the beach in the novel, we're gonna shoot that, aren't we? We really have to if we want to do justice to the book. I'm sure the author will think so. And that's gonna put your butt front and center, as it were.
So keep me posted on these delicate negotiations. And please keep my name out of it. If I end up tied naked and spread-eagled to a bed with Angie in black leather standing over me holding a whip, I want it to be under VERY different circumstances. Or have I said too much? Anyway, I'd rather she not know my position in this matter. Thanks.
Kisses,
Patrick
PS. Per Friend Jeff's request, (see comments) I tried to find a photo of your ass to include in this post. Much to my surprise, I couldn't find any! I was sure there was at least one from Troy, or Fight Club, but so far, zilch. Maybe you've always managed to avoid having your ass photographed in the past, and this upcoming film is the first time you could no longer avoid it. Is there something we need to know, Brad? Some severe scarring, or an embarrassing tattoo? They can erase those with make-up or on film (Angie can tell you all about it), so I doubt that's the problem. So this search for a stunt butt, does it indicate a deeper story? Can't wait to hear it.
So, haven't heard from you in a while, I was just wondering if we were going to start shooting this Summer. I have a dance show going up in late July, and a friend's wedding in Seattle on August 5th, so the sooner I know what our plans are, the better. But no pressure. Well, maybe just a teensy bit of pressure since every day we put off filming, is another day further I get from being able to play twenty-two. Just to remind you.
Okay, I'll admit it, my real reason for writing is to ask you about some news I read on other blogs today. Word is that you're working on a new film, and have decided you want a stunt butt for this one. Sorry, butt double, I mean body double, (specifically in the buttal region) I'm still learning the lingo. I just have to ask, what the hell is up with that? We didn't get to see it in all its glory in Troy, but what we saw, well, it was magnificent, everyone said so. Pretty much the best damn thing about the movie, frankly. There are probably other films that gave us a glimpse, Thelma & Louise for example, I can't really recall now. My point is, you've got a fine ass, or at least you used to, so I'm wondering what is going on here. Are you feeling like you want to be more judicious with its unveiling, saving it for the really special projects? Are you feeling a tad insecure about your age? Boy can I relate; which reminds me, any word on my plastic surgery? Just checking. Have you decided that it's undignified for an artist of your stature to be dropping trou?
Some in the blogosphere has speculated that this indicates a new possessiveness on Angie's part. Is that true? Have you been making her question the veracity of some of those "Brad wants Jenn Back" tabloid articles we've been seeing? If so, boy howdy Brad, be careful, man. I don't want to picture the possible repercussions of an angry Angie. My blood run cold at the thought. You do not want her gunning for you.
Maybe it's just that Angie said she doesn't care for you disrobing on film anymore, and you knew better than to challenge that. I respect that. But do you think she might give you a special dispensation for our project? Assuming we're still doing The Front Runner and not some period piece involving head-to-toe black Edwardian garb and lots of ruffles, then I really think we're gonna need to see that fine ass. For the good of the project. She's an artist, a damn fine one in fact, maybe if you explain it to her like that she'd understand. I really don't know the full story with this film you're presently working on, but please try to explain to her that hiring a stunt butt for our project will seriously compromise the integrity. Seriously. That scene on the beach in the novel, we're gonna shoot that, aren't we? We really have to if we want to do justice to the book. I'm sure the author will think so. And that's gonna put your butt front and center, as it were.
So keep me posted on these delicate negotiations. And please keep my name out of it. If I end up tied naked and spread-eagled to a bed with Angie in black leather standing over me holding a whip, I want it to be under VERY different circumstances. Or have I said too much? Anyway, I'd rather she not know my position in this matter. Thanks.
Kisses,
Patrick
PS. Per Friend Jeff's request, (see comments) I tried to find a photo of your ass to include in this post. Much to my surprise, I couldn't find any! I was sure there was at least one from Troy, or Fight Club, but so far, zilch. Maybe you've always managed to avoid having your ass photographed in the past, and this upcoming film is the first time you could no longer avoid it. Is there something we need to know, Brad? Some severe scarring, or an embarrassing tattoo? They can erase those with make-up or on film (Angie can tell you all about it), so I doubt that's the problem. So this search for a stunt butt, does it indicate a deeper story? Can't wait to hear it.
I did, of course, find the paparazzi shot of your johnson, but I don't know how to post photos on here with that "click over to see more, NSFW" option, and I know a lot of my loyal readers check this blog at work. Besides, if Angie doesn't want you showing off your ass, what would she do to me if I posted a picture of your unit? So, Brad, I'll await word from you about how I should proceed in this manner. In the meantime, here's an amazing shot of your abs, from Fight Club, in honor of Jeff's fondness for that movie. Good GOD, man. With abs like this, how bad can your ass be? Seriously.
xoxoPAL
xoxoPAL
If you'd like to read my previous correspondance with Brad go here:
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Just a Thought
Dear Mr. Pitt,
I was delighted to read recently that, after seeing the success of Brokeback Mountain, you asked your representation to find you a "gay project." I applaud this step. A case could be made that you came pretty close with Interview with a Vampire though you’re right not to consider it truly gay; the passion may have been vaguely homoerotic, but the sex was metaphorical at best. Still, it was the first movie of yours I had ever seen, it was surprisingly hot at times, and it was probably the best way to win me over. I’d previously not found myself particularly attracted to blondes, so your darkened tresses and silver-green eyes grabbed my attention long enough for me to notice your many other gifts. It's thanks to you that my attractions have now expanded to include people like Matt Damon and Jude Law (to think I might have skipped The Talented Mr. Ripley, were it not for you).
While we’re on the subject of hair, I have to note that you had a particularly good relationship with the hairstylist for that movie. She didn’t just settle at making you look great, she also seemed intent on making the other two stars look bad. Tom Cruise was a mere ukele away from looking like Tiny Tim, and Antonio Banderas, who really has to work to be anything but breathtaking... well, what was the deal with that wig? Why was he forced to wear a dead beaver on his head? To his credit, he rocked that look as well as anyone could; when you and he shared the screen the sparks flew, and the desire was unmistakable. But you were the uncontested beauty of that film.
So I think it’s fair to say you have already put one toe in the gay-for-pay world. It undoubtedly helped to be doing it with Banderas, who had previously played several gay characters by that point, including one we see deflowered in the missionary position. If a young up and coming actor (in macho Spain no less) is willing to be filmed with his ankles on another man’s shoulders, I think it’s safe to say he’s not particularly frightened of this issue. I’m sure he was a great help and comfort to you as you tested the waters. I understand why you two didn’t actually kiss, it was dramatically much more powerful to leave it unresolved, but now it’s time to explore a little farther, as you have decided yourself.
So again, I’m very pleased to read that you’re ready to take this next step. Sure it may look to some like blatant capitalizing on the surprising success of Brokeback, but you’re a great actor, and a total babe, so no one is really going to object for long. However, one has to point out that Brokeback set the bar pretty high. If you’re wanting to make your mark on this supposed openness in Hollywood, then you’re going to have to work some new angles. If you were actually gay, a gay movie would be a great opportunity to announce the fact, but that only works if it were true. The same is true if you were bisexual, though it’s riskier. Most people don't really know what the term means, so a lot of folks might think you were using one drunken kiss with your High School best friend (or George Clooney) as an excuse for shameless publicity seeking. So let’s just assume you’re a straight boy at home with his desires, open to artistic exploration. What can we do to make your film stand out from the soon to be pack of Brokeback wannabes?
I have a suggestion. Why not cast yourself opposite an up and coming actor who actually is gay but (and this is the clincher, stay with me here) of average looks, and body? Your beauty alone can carry a film, that has been proven time and again already, so no worries there. And yes, you could probably find plenty of pretty boys willing to play your lover (though Hollywood is constantly telling us about all the gay actors who are still afraid to read for gay roles), but then what do you have? Two gorgeous guys making out on film, face it, it’s been done, not only with Brokeback, but also Longtime Companion, The Broken Hearts Club, and Velvet Goldmine just to name a few. No, I think the real drama will come from seeing you fall madly in love with someone for his personality. He needn’t be Quasimodo, I understand we can’t strain credulity too much, but seeing an Adonis like you fall for an average, even plain guy, well, that would be a new story, don’t you think? The beautiful woman falling for a plain guy is a story as old as time; we have even seen the beautiful man falling for a plain woman done, at least in theory. If we accept the premise of Janeane Garofalo as ugly, then having Ben Chaplin fall in love with her in The Truth About Cats and Dogs has broached that territory already. (I will not acknowledge the film adaptation of Frankie and Johnny; they took the plain girl role away from Kathy Bates? And gave it to Michelle Pfeiffer?)
So, that’s one suggestion for how you make your mark. And I think I know just the guy; enclosed you will find my headshot and resume. As you can see, perhaps I’m not ugly, but I am definitely Hollywood ugly, Janeane Garofalo ugly, I think I could be just the look you need as foil to your beauty. And it just so happens I am also openly gay (bet you didn't see that coming), have been for twenty years now, and if I ever was tempted to go back in the closet, a wide network of friends, family, college classmates, and random strangers would be on hand to call me on my hypocrisy, going to the National Enquirer if necessary. We could even work that angle, if you think it would be helpful.
I really think this arrangement could be mutually beneficial. You could show me the ropes of a Hollywood movie set, I could show you the ropes of playing a believable gay man. I might not be able to tap you into any new press; you’re already the darling of the gay mags, but they would rally behind you even more if you were seen as helping a gay actor break into Hollywood, thereby increasing the number of openly gay American actors almost to an even dozen.
Please feel free to contact me if you would like to discuss this further. I’m available to read sides with you at your earliest convenience. For the record, I am also happy to shoot anywhere in the world. In fact we could combine the gay thing with an epic adventure, thus giving us an added angle for claiming new artistic terrain. I’ve always wanted to see New Zealand. Do you know what Peter Jackson is up to?
I look forward to hearing from you,
Sincerely,
Patrick Lacey.
I was delighted to read recently that, after seeing the success of Brokeback Mountain, you asked your representation to find you a "gay project." I applaud this step. A case could be made that you came pretty close with Interview with a Vampire though you’re right not to consider it truly gay; the passion may have been vaguely homoerotic, but the sex was metaphorical at best. Still, it was the first movie of yours I had ever seen, it was surprisingly hot at times, and it was probably the best way to win me over. I’d previously not found myself particularly attracted to blondes, so your darkened tresses and silver-green eyes grabbed my attention long enough for me to notice your many other gifts. It's thanks to you that my attractions have now expanded to include people like Matt Damon and Jude Law (to think I might have skipped The Talented Mr. Ripley, were it not for you).
While we’re on the subject of hair, I have to note that you had a particularly good relationship with the hairstylist for that movie. She didn’t just settle at making you look great, she also seemed intent on making the other two stars look bad. Tom Cruise was a mere ukele away from looking like Tiny Tim, and Antonio Banderas, who really has to work to be anything but breathtaking... well, what was the deal with that wig? Why was he forced to wear a dead beaver on his head? To his credit, he rocked that look as well as anyone could; when you and he shared the screen the sparks flew, and the desire was unmistakable. But you were the uncontested beauty of that film.
So I think it’s fair to say you have already put one toe in the gay-for-pay world. It undoubtedly helped to be doing it with Banderas, who had previously played several gay characters by that point, including one we see deflowered in the missionary position. If a young up and coming actor (in macho Spain no less) is willing to be filmed with his ankles on another man’s shoulders, I think it’s safe to say he’s not particularly frightened of this issue. I’m sure he was a great help and comfort to you as you tested the waters. I understand why you two didn’t actually kiss, it was dramatically much more powerful to leave it unresolved, but now it’s time to explore a little farther, as you have decided yourself.
So again, I’m very pleased to read that you’re ready to take this next step. Sure it may look to some like blatant capitalizing on the surprising success of Brokeback, but you’re a great actor, and a total babe, so no one is really going to object for long. However, one has to point out that Brokeback set the bar pretty high. If you’re wanting to make your mark on this supposed openness in Hollywood, then you’re going to have to work some new angles. If you were actually gay, a gay movie would be a great opportunity to announce the fact, but that only works if it were true. The same is true if you were bisexual, though it’s riskier. Most people don't really know what the term means, so a lot of folks might think you were using one drunken kiss with your High School best friend (or George Clooney) as an excuse for shameless publicity seeking. So let’s just assume you’re a straight boy at home with his desires, open to artistic exploration. What can we do to make your film stand out from the soon to be pack of Brokeback wannabes?
I have a suggestion. Why not cast yourself opposite an up and coming actor who actually is gay but (and this is the clincher, stay with me here) of average looks, and body? Your beauty alone can carry a film, that has been proven time and again already, so no worries there. And yes, you could probably find plenty of pretty boys willing to play your lover (though Hollywood is constantly telling us about all the gay actors who are still afraid to read for gay roles), but then what do you have? Two gorgeous guys making out on film, face it, it’s been done, not only with Brokeback, but also Longtime Companion, The Broken Hearts Club, and Velvet Goldmine just to name a few. No, I think the real drama will come from seeing you fall madly in love with someone for his personality. He needn’t be Quasimodo, I understand we can’t strain credulity too much, but seeing an Adonis like you fall for an average, even plain guy, well, that would be a new story, don’t you think? The beautiful woman falling for a plain guy is a story as old as time; we have even seen the beautiful man falling for a plain woman done, at least in theory. If we accept the premise of Janeane Garofalo as ugly, then having Ben Chaplin fall in love with her in The Truth About Cats and Dogs has broached that territory already. (I will not acknowledge the film adaptation of Frankie and Johnny; they took the plain girl role away from Kathy Bates? And gave it to Michelle Pfeiffer?)
So, that’s one suggestion for how you make your mark. And I think I know just the guy; enclosed you will find my headshot and resume. As you can see, perhaps I’m not ugly, but I am definitely Hollywood ugly, Janeane Garofalo ugly, I think I could be just the look you need as foil to your beauty. And it just so happens I am also openly gay (bet you didn't see that coming), have been for twenty years now, and if I ever was tempted to go back in the closet, a wide network of friends, family, college classmates, and random strangers would be on hand to call me on my hypocrisy, going to the National Enquirer if necessary. We could even work that angle, if you think it would be helpful.
I really think this arrangement could be mutually beneficial. You could show me the ropes of a Hollywood movie set, I could show you the ropes of playing a believable gay man. I might not be able to tap you into any new press; you’re already the darling of the gay mags, but they would rally behind you even more if you were seen as helping a gay actor break into Hollywood, thereby increasing the number of openly gay American actors almost to an even dozen.
Please feel free to contact me if you would like to discuss this further. I’m available to read sides with you at your earliest convenience. For the record, I am also happy to shoot anywhere in the world. In fact we could combine the gay thing with an epic adventure, thus giving us an added angle for claiming new artistic terrain. I’ve always wanted to see New Zealand. Do you know what Peter Jackson is up to?
I look forward to hearing from you,
Sincerely,
Patrick Lacey.
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